it doesn’t actually get easier


Diego had his quarterly scan today. This is pretty much how it went:

8:15 am       Drop off Mateo with grandma
8:30 am       Have Diego drink 8 ounces of water to prep for scan
8:45 am       Arrive and check Diego in at Kaiser hospital
9:00 am       Diego starts to freak out about impending IV in waiting room
9:05 am       Nurse comes to get Diego, he clings to me and tries to run away
9:07 am       Needle comes out, followed by Diego shrieking and screaming bloody murder

9:10 am       Screams of torture ensue
9:15 am       Mission accomplished (IV placement)
9:20 am       Diego led to CT room
9:22 am       Discussion (out of Diego’s earshot) of vomiting episodes during
                    previous CT scans
9:23 am       Diego led into “big doughnut room”
9:24 am       Tears
9:25 am       I make up funny games, point out Christmas decor, to make Diego smile
9:30 am      I put on lead dress, and hold Diego’s hand
9:31 am       Scan commences while I sing Diego’s favorite lullaby and gently grasp his hand
9:40 am       Scan complete (Vomit free- yay!)
9:41 am       Stickers, stickers, stickers!
9:50 am       Leave Kaiser hospital
10:00 am     Drive to cafe and toy store for toy and a treat
10:05 am     Quality time over granola (Diego) and a latte (me) 
10:25 am     Toy engine treat time at toy store!
10:45 am     Drive back to grandma’s house and drop off my big boy
11:10 am     Return home, clean up breakfast dishes
11:15 am     Watch clock (repeat at 5 minute intervals)
11:40 am     Break into Christmas chocolate
11:50 am     Think about Teddy
12:00 pm     Skip lunch, eat more chocolate
12:15 pm     Watch clock (repeat at 5 minute intervals)
1:00 pm       Think about Diego’s bad scan
1:05 pm       Reassure myself it’s going to be fine
1:10 pm       Look at clock
1:15 pm       Think about Diego’s fevers this past month
1:20 pm       Episodes of nausea
1:30 pm       Look at clock, remember I was supposed to be working today
1:35 pm       Work, shift focus on something else
1:55 pm       Look at clock
2:00 pm      Call oncology clinic for results
2:01 pm      Get voicemail, leave message
2:02 pm      Think about Teddy 
2:10 pm      Deep breaths
2:20 pm      Start thinking about what it would be like to have Diego on chemo again
2:30 pm      That sinking feeling in my stomach
2:40 pm      Make tea, change music to something upbeat
2:50 pm      Look at clock
3:00 pm      Try to get back to work
3:15 pm      Sinking feeling that scan is bad since there has been no callback
3:20 pm      Start to feel grateful that at least we had a great Christmas together
3:35 pm      Think about Teddy and his family
3:45 pm      Notice that hands are trembling
3:50 pm      Decide to call oncology clinic again at 4pm if no callback
3:55 pm      Watch clock, deep breaths
3:59 pm      Wait for clock to change
4:00 pm      Call oncology clinic back
4:01 pm     On hold
4:05 pm      Talk to nurse
4:07 pm      Scan results = All Clear/NED
4:08 pm      “Are you sure?” (I always seem to ask this.)
4:09 pm      “Yes, sure.”
4:10 pm      Hang up, hands still trembling
4:15 pm      Deep breaths
4:20 pm      Quiet
4:25 pm      Tears

You would think, that the wait for scan results would be a wee bit easier by now. When I mentioned this to the nurse over the phone, she said it never really does.

5 thoughts on “it doesn’t actually get easier

  1. Jen

    I agree, you are a brave brave mama. I know it has to be incredibly difficult for everyone in the family. Sending you some calming energy.


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